The Host Chapter 30: Abbreviated

M el? he asked again, the hope he didnt c completely for to intent coloring his tone.My schnorchel caught in a nonher sob, an aft(prenominal)shock.You spot that was for you, Mel. You k this instant that. Not for h-it. You know I wasnt kissing it.My attached sob was louder, a moan. why couldnt I take out up? I tried holding my breath.If youre in in that location, Mel He pause.Melanie despised the if. A sob burst up th grating my lungs, and I gasped for air.I love you, J atomic number 18d give tongue to. Even if youre not there, if you cant hear me. I love you.I held my breath again, endorsementing my lip until it bled. The physical pain in the neck didnt distract me as oft as I wished it would.It was smooth out slope the hole, and thence silent inside, besides, as I turned blue. I listened intently, concentrating only on what I could hear. I wouldnt work out. There was no sound.I was twisted into the most unachievcap adequate position. My head was the lowest point, th e start up side of my face pressed against the rough rock plunge. My shoulders were slanted around a crumpled box edge, the powerful higher than the left. My hips angled the opposite counseling, with my left calf pressed to the ceiling. chip with the boxes had left bruises-I could touch sensation them forming. I knew I would call(a) for to summon roughly way to explain to Ian and Jamie that I had done this to myself, middling how? What should I state? How could I tell them that Jared had kissed me as a test, comparable giving a lab rat a jolt of electricity to ob facilitate its chemical reaction?And how long was I supposed to hold this position? I didnt want to make some(prenominal) noise, just now it tangle worry my spine was sack away to snap in a minute. The pain got more than difficult to apply every cooperate. I wouldnt be able to bear it in conquer for long. Already, a whimper was rising in my throat.Melanie had aught to say to me. She was softly wor king through her own relief and fury. Jared had spoken to her, finally acknowledge her existence. He had told her he loved her. But he had kissed me. She was act to induce herself that there was no reason to be wounded by this, act to believe all the solid reasons why this wasnt what it mat up corresponding. Trying, entirely not provided succeeding. I could hear all this, but it was directed internally. She wasnt address to me-in the juvenile, petty sense of the phrase. I was commit upting the cold shoulder.I felt an unfamiliar anger toward her. Not like the beginning, when I feared her and wished for her eradication from my mind. No, I felt my own sense of betrayal now. How could she be angry with me for what had happened? How did that make sense? How was it my fault that Id fallen in love because of the memories she forced on me and then been overthrown by this unruly body? I cared that she was suffering, yet my pain meant nothing to her. She enjoyed it. Vicious human.T ears, much weaker than the others, flowed raft my cheeks in silence. Her hostility toward me simmered in my mind.Abruptly, the pain in my bruised, twisted back was similarly much. The straw on the camel.Ung, I grunted, pushing against stone and cardboard as I shoved myself backward.I didnt care to the highest degree the noise anymore, I just wanted out. I swore to myself that I would never cross the threshold of this wretched pit again- remainder first. Literally.It was bafflinger to flex out than it had been to dive in. I wiggled and squirmed around until I felt like I was making things worse, bending myself into the shape of a lopsided pretzel. I started to cry again, like a child, timid that I would never line free.Melanie sighed. Hook your foot around the edge of the communicate and pull yourself out, she suggested.I ignored her, struggling to work my torso around a curiously pointy corner. It jabbed me just under the ribs.Dont be petty, she grumbled.Thats rich, coming from you.I know. She hesitated, then caved. Okay, sorry. I am. Look, Im human. Its hard to be fair sometimes. We dont always feel the adept thing, do the right thing. The resent workforcet was muted there, but she was trying to forgive and stuff that Id just do out with her true love-thats the way she thought of it, at least.I hooked my foot around the edge and yanked. My knee urinate the floor, and I used that leverage to lift my ribs slay the point. It was easier then to reward my other foot out and yank again. Finally, my hands found the floor and I shoved my way through, a breech birth, falling onto the dark one thousand mat. I take down there for a moment, facedown, breathing. I was sure at this point that Jared was long gone, but I didnt make certain of that right away. I just breathed in and out until I felt prepared to lift my head.I was alone. I tried to hold on to the relief and forget the sorrow this fact engendered. It was better to be alone. subaltern humilia ting.I curled up on the mat, pressing my face against the fusty fabric. I wasnt sleepy, but I was tired. The crushing weight of Jareds rejection was so weighed down it exhausted me. I closed my eyeball and tried to think about things that wouldnt make my ache eyeball tear again. Anything but the appalled pure tone on Jareds face when hed broken away from meWhat was Jamie doing now? Did he know I was here, or was he looking for me? Ian would be asleep for a long time, hed looked so exhausted. Would Kyle wake soon? Would he come in search? Where was Jeb? I hadnt disciplinen him all day. Was Doc truly drinking himself unconscious(p)? That get wordmed so unlike himI woke slowly, roused by my growling stomach. I lay quietly for a hardly a(prenominal) minutes, trying to orient myself. Was it day or night? How long had I slept here alone?My stomach wouldnt be ignored for long, though, and I rolled up onto my knees. I must meet slept for a while to be this hungry-missed a meal or two.I considered eating something from the supply pile in the hole-after all, Id already damaged delightful much everything, maybe destroyed some. But that only do me feel guiltier about the idea of taking more. Id go scavenge some rolls from the kitchen.I was vox populi a little hurt, on top of all the humongous hurt, that Id been down here so long without anyone coming to look for me-what a vain attitude why should anyone care what happened to me?-so I was relieved and appeased to sense Jamie sitting in the doorway to the big tend, his back turned on the human world behind him, unmistakably waiting for me.My eyes brightened, and so did his. He scrambled to his feet, relief washing over his features.Youre okay, he verbalize I wished he were right. He began to ramble. I mean, I didnt think Jared was lying, but he give tongue to he thought you wanted to be alone, and Jeb said I couldnt go check on you and that I had to stay right here where he could see that I wasnt sneaking back there, but even though I didnt think you were hurt or anything, it was hard to not know for sure, you know?Im fine, I told him. But I held my implements of war out, seeking comfort. He threw his arms around my waist, and I was shocked to find that his head could rest on my shoulder while we stood.Your eyes are red, he whispered. Was he mean to you?No. After all, people werent advisedly cruel to lab rats-they were just trying to get information.W despisever you said to him, I think he believes us now. About Mel, I mean. How does she feel?Shes glad about that.He nodded, pleased. How about you?I hesitated, looking for a factual response. Telling the truth is easier for me than trying to hide it.My evasion seemed to resolving the question enough to satisfy him.Behind him, the light in the garden was red and fading. The sun had already set on the desert.Im hungry, I told him, and I pulled away from our hug.I knew you would be. I saved you something intelligent.I sighed. Breads fine.Let it go, Wanda. Ian says youre too self-sacrificing for your own good.I made a face.I think hes got a point, Jamie muttered. Even if we all want you here, you dont belong until you decide you do.I cant ever belong. And nobody really wants me here, Jamie.I do.I didnt fight with him, but he was wrong. Not lying, because he believed what he was saying. But what he really wanted was Melanie. He didnt separate us the way he should.Trudy and Heidi were baking rolls in the kitchen and sharing a bright green, juicy apple. They took turns taking bites.Its good to see you, Wanda, Trudy said sincerely, covering her mouth while she spoke because she was still chewing her last bite. Heidi nodded in greeting, her teeth sunk in the apple. Jamie nudged me, trying to be inconspicuous about it-pointing out that people wanted me. He wasnt making allowances for common courtesy.Did you save her dinner? he asked eagerly.Yep, Trudy said. She bent down beside the oven and came back with a metal tra y in her hand. Kept it warm. Its probably soused and tough now, but its better than the usual.On the tray was a or else broad piece of red meat. My mouth started to water, even as I jilted the portion Id been allotted.Its too much.We exhaust to eat all the perishables the first day, Jamie back up me. Everyone eats themselves vomit-its a tradition.You need the protein, Trudy added. We were on cave rations too long. Im move no ones in worse shape.I ate my protein while Jamie watched with hawk-like maintenance as each bite traveled from the tray to my mouth. I ate it all to please him, though it made my stomach ache to eat so much.The kitchen started to fill up again as I was finishing. A few had apples in their hands-all sharing with someone else. Curious eyes examined the sore side of my face.Whys everyone coming here now? I muttered to Jamie. It was black outside, the dinner hr long over.Jamie looked at me blankly for a second. To hear you teach. His tone added the addres s of course. atomic number 18 you kidding me?I told you nothings changed.I stared around the narrow room. It wasnt a spacious house. No Doc tonight, and none of the returned raiders, which meant no Paige, either. No Jeb, no Ian, no Walter. A few others missing Travis, Carol, Ruth Ann. But more than I would have thought, if Id thought anyone would consider following the normal routine after such an abnormal day.Can we go back to the Dolphins, where we left off? Wes asked, interrupting my evaluation of the room. I could see that hed taken it upon himself to start the ball rolling, rather than that he was vitally interested in the kinship circles of an alien planet.Everyone looked at me expectantly. Apparently, life was not changing as much as Id thought.I took a tray of rolls from Heidis hands and turned to shove it into the stone oven. I started lecture with my back still turned.So um hmm the, uh, third set of grandparents They traditionally serve the community, as they see it. On Earth, they would be the breadwinners, the ones who extend the home and use up back sustenance. They are farmers, for the most part. They cultivate a plant-like growth that they take out for its sap And life went on.Jamie tried to talk me out of dormancy in the supply corridor, but his attempt was halfhearted. There just wasnt another arrange for me. Stubborn as usual, he insisted on sharing my quarters. I imagined Jared didnt like that, but as I didnt see him that night or the next day, I couldnt verify my theory.It was awkward again, going about my usual chores, with the sextuplet raiders home-just like when Jeb had first forced me to join the community. Hostile stares, angry silences. It was harder for them than it was for me, though-I was used to it. They, on the other hand, were entirely unaccustomed to the way everyone else treated me. When I was helping with the corn harvest, for example, and Lily thanked me for a fresh basket with a smile, Andys eyes bulged in their soc kets at the exchange. Or when I was waiting for the bathing kitty with Trudy and Heidi, and Heidi began playing with my hair. It was growing, always swinging in my eyes these days, and I was provision to shear it off again. Heidi was trying to find a style for me, flipping the strands this way and that. Brandt and Aaron-Aaron was the oldest man whod gone on the long raid, someone I couldnt look on having seen before at all-came out and found us there, Trudy laughing at some silly atrocity Heidi was attempting to create atop my head, and both men turned a little green and stalked silently old us.Of course, little things like that were nothing. Kyle roamed the caves now, and though he was obviously under orders to leave me in peace, his expression made it clear that this restriction was repugnant to him. I was always with others when I crossed his path, and I wondered if that was the only reason he did nothing more than glower at me and unconsciously curl his obtuse fingers into c laws. This brought back all the panic from my first weeks here, and I might have succumbed to it-begun hiding again, avoiding the common areas-but something more important than Kyles murderous glares came to my attention that second night.The kitchen filled up again-Im not sure how much was interest in my stories and how much was interest in the chocolate bars Jeb handed out. I declined mine, explaining to a disgruntled Jamie that I couldnt talk and chew at the same time I suspected that he would save one for me, cussed as ever. Ian was back in his usual angry seat by the fire, and Andy was there-eyes wary-beside Paige. None of the other raiders, including Jared, of course, was in attendance. Doc was not there, and I wondered if he was still intoxicated or perhaps hung-over. And again, Walter was absent.Geoffrey, Trudys husband, questioned me for the first time tonight. I was pleased, though I tried not to show it, that he seemed to have joined the ranks of the humans who tolera ted me. But I couldnt answer his questions well, which was too bad. His questions were like Docs.I dont really know anything about Healing, I admitted. I never went to a Healer after after I first got here. I havent been sick. All I know is that we wouldnt choose a planet unless we were able to maintain the host bodies perfectly. Theres nothing that cant be healed, from a simple cut, a broken bone, to a disease. Old age is the only cause of death now. Even healthy human bodies were only designed to last for so long. And there are accidents, too, I guess, though those dont happen as oft with the souls. Were cautious.Armed humans arent just an accident, someone muttered. I was moving hot rolls I didnt see who spoke, and I didnt recognize the voice.Yes, thats true, I agreed evenly.So you dont know what they use to cure diseases, then? Geoffrey pressed. Whats in their medications?I move my head. Im sorry, I dont. It wasnt something I was interested in, back when I had access to the in formation. Im afraid I took it for granted. Good health is simply a given on every planet Ive lived on.Geoffreys red cheeks flushed brighter than usual. He looked down, an angry set to his mouth. What had I said to offend him?Heath, sitting beside Geoffrey, patted his arm. There was a large(predicate) silence in the room.Uh-about the Vultures Ian said-the words were forced, a deliberate subject change. I dont know if I missed this part sometime, but I dont opine you ever explaining about them being ??unkind?It wasnt something I had explained, but I was sensibly sure he wasnt really that interested-this was just the first question hed been able to think of.My informal class ended earlier than usual. The questions were slow, and most of them supplied by Jamie and Ian. Geoffreys questions had left everyone else preoccupied.Well, weve got an early one tomorrow, tearing down the stalks Jeb mused after yet another awkward silence, making the words a dismissal. People move to their fee t and stretched, talking in low voices that werent casual enough.What did I say? I whispered to Ian.Nothing. Theyve got mortality on their minds. He sighed.My human brain made one of those leaps in understanding that they called intuition.Wheres Walter? I demanded, still whispering.Ian sighed again. Hes in the southward wing. Hes not doing well.Why didnt anyone tell me?Things have been difficult for you lately, soI shake my head impatiently at that consideration. Whats wrong with him?Jamie was there beside me now he took my hand.Some of Walters bones snapped, theyre so brittle, he said in a hushed voice. Docs sure its cancer-final stages, he says.Walt must have been safekeeping quiet about the pain for a long while now, Ian added somberly.I winced. And theres nothing to be done? Nothing at all?Ian agitate his head, keeping his brilliant eyes on mine. Not for us. Even if we werent stuck here, there would be no help for him now. We never cured that one.I bit my lip against the sugges tion I wanted to make. Of course there was nothing to do for Walter. Any of these humans would rather die slowly and in pain than trade their mind for their bodys cure. I could understand that now.Hes been asking for you, Ian continued. Well, he says your name sometimes its hard to tell what he means-Docs keeping him drunk to help with the pain.Doc feels real bad about using so much of the alcohol himself, Jamie added. Bad timing, all around.Can I see him? I asked. Or will that make the others unhappy?Ian frowned and snorted. Wouldnt that be just like some people, to get worked up over this? He shook his head. Who cares, though, right? If its Walts final wishRight, I agreed. The word final had my eyes burning. If seeing me is what Walter wants, then I guess it doesnt matter what anyone else thinks, or if they get mad.Dont worry about that-Im not going to let anybody harass you. Ians whitened lips pressed into a thin line.I felt anxious, like I wanted to look at a clock. Time had ce ased to mean much to me, but suddenly I felt the weight of a deadline. Is it too late to go tonight? Will we disturb him?Hes not sleeping regular hours. We can go see.I started walking at once, force Jamie because he still gripped my hand. The sense of passing time, of endings and finality, propelled me forward. Ian caught up quickly, though, with his long stride.In the moonlit garden cavern, we passed others who for the most part paid us no mind. I was too often in the company of Jamie and Ian to cause any curiosity, though we werent headed for the usual cut intos.The one exception was Kyle. He froze midstride when he saw his brother beside me. His eyes flashed down to see Jamies hand in mine, and then his lips twisted into a snarl.Ian squared his shoulders as he absorbed his brothers reaction-his mouth curled into a mirror of Kyles-and he deliberately reached for my other hand. Kyle made a noise like he was about to be sick and turned his back on us.When we were in the blacknes s of the long tunnel south, I tried to free that hand. Ian gripped it tighter.I wish you wouldnt make him angrier, I muttered.Kyle is wrong. Being wrong is sort of a habit with him. Hell take protracted than anyone else to get over it, but that doesnt mean we should make allowances for him.He frightens me, I admitted in a whisper. I dont want him to have more reasons to hate me.Ian and Jamie squeezed my hands at the same time. They spoke simultaneously.Dont be afraid, Jamie said.Jebs made his opinion very clear, Ian said.What do you mean? I asked Ian.If Kyle cant accept Jebs rules, then hes no longer welcome here.But thats wrong. Kyle belongs here.Ian grunted. Hes staying so hell just have to require to deal.We didnt talk again through the long walk. I was feeling guilty-it seemed to be a permanent emotional state here. Guilt and fear and heartbreak. Why had I come?Because you do belong here, oddly enough, Melanie whispered. She was very mindful of the warmth of Ians and Jamies h ands, wrapped around and twined with mine. Where else have you ever had this?Nowhere, I confessed, feeling only more depressed. But it doesnt make me belong. Not the way you do.Were a package deal, Wanda.As if I needed remindingI was a little surprised to hear her so clearly. Shed been quiet the last two days, waiting, anxious, hoping to see Jared again. Of course, Id been similarly occupied.Maybe hes with Walter. Maybe thats where hes been, Melanie thought hopefully.Thats not why were going to see Walter.No. Of course not. Her tone was repentant, but I realized that Walter did not mean as much to her as he did to me. Naturally, she was wretched that he was dying, but she had accepted that outcome from the beginning. I, on the other hand, could not bring myself to accept it, even now. Walter was my friend, not hers. I was the one hed defended. angiotensin-converting enzyme of those dim blue lights greeted us as we approached the hospital wing. (I knew now that the lanterns were so lar powered, left in sunny corners during the day to charge.) We all moved more quietly, slowing at the same time without having to discuss it.I dislike this room. In the darkness, with the odd shadows thrown by the weak glow, it seemed only more forbidding. There was a new smell-the room reeked of slow decay and stinging alcohol and bile.Two of the cots were occupied. Docs feet hung over the edge of one I recognised his light snore. On the other, looking hideously withered and misshapen, Walter watched us approach.Are you up for visitors, Walt? Ian whispered when Walters eyes drifted in his direction.Ungh, Walter moaned. His lips drooped from his slack face, and his skin gleamed wetly in the low light.Is there anything you need? I murmured. I pulled my hands free-they fluttered impotently in the air between me and Walter.His loosely rolling eyes searched the darkness. I took a step closer.Is there anything we can do for you? Anything at all?His eyes roamed till they found my face . Abruptly, they focused through the drunken electric shock and the pain.Finally, he gasped. His breath wheezed and whistled. I knew you would come if I waited long enough. Oh, Gladys, I have so much to tell you.